On a cloudy night in November, I drove away from a charter school. Something in me had come undone. I went away trying to discover what had come undone. This particular time was different from all the rest. I did not know what I was looking for, but the highways were always my way of clearing my head. I was dealing with passionate pain and how I was going to get through the hurt.
As I drove, I watched the cars pass me by. I drove in search of myself. I looked at the blanket of clouds above me. They felt so close. As I continued driving, I kept my eyes on those blanket of clouds. On my way home after hours of driving, I finally looked at those clouds and said…”Please tell me what to do? Where do I go from here?” Save from this life. A life I had given my all, but wasn’t getting anything back in return. I was hurting!
I spent most of my years in education. Then, one day. I had this brilliant idea to start my own. After starting school, I spent finite hours chasing things that I thought that matter. Pushing the name of the school, unnumbered hours in the community, attending community events, business leaders luncheon and so on.
The neglect of family, my spouse and my ministry suffered even greater. I shut-out those things that pained me because I knew that I was enough.
Nonetheless, the next morning I returned to the charter school convincing myself that if I got it right on the outside. Then, I would be okay over time. Of course, I knew what God was telling me to do. But, fear and insecurity kept creeping in.
Each day my heart and soul craved something more real as the charter school wasn’t it any longer. I was desperately trying to deal with the void in my soul.
Ignoring the leaving became unbearable as I drove into the school parking lot and turned the key to go into my office. I was merely hanging on because I felt my staff needed me and they pushed for me to stay on board.
Nonetheless, I resigned and started the process of transferring the school, it was rough to put it lightly. Upon meeting the next school that was going to take over the responsibilities, I heard God say, “Except the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain that build it…”
After the handshake, I knew the transfer was going to be rocky, out of balance, and unauthentic. Over time the unprofessionalism, the lies, and the turbulence showed up. The transfer of the school merely became about who was going to come out on top or win.
To make matters worse, I had invested thousands and thousands of dollars in hopes that the school would grow and be successful. I had signed contracts, agreements, and promissory notes that would deplete our savings, but I wanted to be a person of my word. I stayed committed.
As I look back, it was a deeply painful terrifying ride working through the brokenness, anger, and the place of embarrassment. The highways became a place of peace and hope. The highways gave me the strength to face what looked like to be insurmountable. I vowed to give my all to God.
In short, I fell from grace, but not God’s presence. My disobedience caused a lot of pain and suffering for me. But, I knew if I was going to survive, I was going to fight to live again. There was nothing I could do about falling from grace. I knew prayer. I knew God. But, I didn’t know submission. That was going to be my journey–learning to submit to God to do things His way.
So I submitted myself through 21 days of fasting and praying. It has been everything that I needed to restore my thoughts, habits and to take authority over my life again. I no longer wanted to be held hostage to anger, regret, and fear. I had been owned by those things too long.
Passionate Pain: How to get through the hurt:
From the outside, I started to live a life that was brave, bold and beautiful before people. That was my redeeming challenge. I decided to live life on my terms, even when I couldn’t control what others were saying.
That fresh start was serenity for me.
Besides, I’ve started a blog to help me sort through the pain of life. It has given me a way to remain connected to the relationships that have been important in my life. My ultimate goal is to encourage you and hopefully, you’ll dive into your pain too.
In the midst of my serenity, submission, and pain, it has shown me that hurt is inevitable. The hurt has created passion, which has changed the course of my life.
Hurt has healed my wounds, it has inspired hope. It has also restored my faith. Hurt has helped me to overcome my dark days. Because of the hurt, I took back what it stole from me.
I now live with purpose. Every day I live with the curiosity to find out who I really am. I am no longer fighting to become that person because I am that person.
In conclusion, never forget how powerful you are and never forget what you have to offer to someone else. Live boldly. Never lose your significance and the ability you have to create change in your life and in others.